Fine. I admit it. I'm a hypocrite. But I'm seeing the error of my ways. Let me start at the beginning.
Somewhere deep down inside me, tucked between perhaps my ribs and my lungs, lies a thin strip of real estate, and in this strip there lies a part of my psyche that I just can't shake: Dave the paranoid, I'll-believe-anything conspiracy theorist. I don't feel weird about this part of me, because in truth, everyone has it. It's that part of you that from time to time suspects there is something deeply wrong with the world, and you just can't quite place it, and besides, it isn't really worth the time and worry, because this whole "life" thing is way too complex and mottled for anyone to ever really figure out, except like, Jesus, and maybe Bono. And my mom.
I indulge in these alternate perspectives weekly. Every Saturday night, as I'm driving home at one in the morning from a late gig, I listen to an AM talk radio program, "Coast to Coast AM". A host interviews guests that cover all sorts of topics, some a little crazy, some a lot crazy. I tuned in to hear a Dr. Leonard Sax discussing his new book, "Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men." This guy didn't seem at all like a crack pot. He's a medical doctor and clinician who spoke with conviction and intelligence. Plus, I looked up his book later and it's legit. He's been on the TODAY show with Matt Lauer.
Dr. Sax is worried about boys. He thinks that something scary is happening with boys today. Here's a little quote buffet to paint a picture.
"From kindergarten to college, boys are less resilient and less ambitious than they were a mere twenty years ago. In fact, a third of men ages 22–34 are still living at home with their parents—about a 100 percent increase in the past twenty years." *** "According to the United States Department of Education, out of 100 men who matriculate at a 4-year college or university, only 29 will earn a degree four years later." *** "The average young men today has a sperm count just about half what his grandfather had. His testosterone level is lower as well."
Dude...50% sperm count? What?! Here are some probable causes.
"Prescription Drugs. Overuse of medication for ADHD may be causing irreversible damage to the motivational centers in boys’ brains." *** "Endocrine Disruptors. Environmental estrogens from plastic bottles and food sources may be lowering boys’ testosterone levels, making their bones more brittle and throwing their endocrine systems out of whack." *** "Devaluation of Masculinity. Shifts in popular culture have transformed the role models of manhood. Forty years ago we had Father Knows Best; today we have The Simpsons."
Hold on, the hypocrite part is coming...
The most interesting part of Dr. Sax's research had to do with the chemicals that saturate our daily environment. There is a growing body of research that chemicals can and do leech from plastic bottles into the liquids they hold. Go ahead, look online, there are millions of concerned articles about bottled water, baby bottles, sodas. Chemicals are transferred especially in high heat, like when they're locked up in some huge truck on a summer day on their way to Walmart. Anyway, a lot of these chemicals are harmful to both boys and girls, so watch out.
It just makes you wonder, doesn't it? Look around you. Right now. What is all that shit MADE of? Ok, fine, that table is wood, you can probably trust that, and the patio is stone, that's cool. But the ink, the paint, the rubber, the tv, the microwave, the fridge, the speakers, the cable modem...febreeze, endust, antibacterial soap, hand sanitizer...and lots and lots of plastic bottles...what are they made of? "Plastic." And when exactly were we taught what plastic IS?
And then there's the the hygiene hypothesis, which suggests that rising allergy rates are linked to our more antiseptic, modern lifestyle. I've subscribed to this theory for some time now. We, as Americans, are WAY too clean. We've got a different soap for every part of your body. Tell me that's not ridiculous. I don't need individual soap for my hands, arms, face and hair. I don't need hand sanitizer on a keychain. Rising rates of peanut allergies and asthma are thought to be connected to this hype-cleanliness.
"Hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT. I don't care about spots on my apples, give me the birds and the bees." -Joni Mitchell
Ok, here comes the hypocrite part:
There is one thing that I've always said needs to be a lot cleaner, a lot more sterile in American culture -- poop. My point is simple. Dry paper? Are you kidding me? We can put a man on the moon, create the internet, and map the entire human genome, but I'm still wiping my ass with dry paper?
I mean seriously, I'm sorry to be crude, but how is that clean, exactly? I mean you care enough about any other surface to make at least some kind of effort, right? Your kitchen counter gets 409, your dashboard gets Armor All, your tub gets Scrubbing Bubbles. But the one place that really needs to be cleaned, a place that is not only extremely filthy but inches away from our all-important reproductive organs, well, that gets dry paper. Go ahead, just smear it around. I'm sure it's spotless.
Well friends, have I got some news for you! Introducing "Portable Butt-Sprayers"! Description from gizmodo.com
Japanese people are getting so accustomed to having their butts sprayed clean that they're going to need to carry the paraphernalia to do so wherever they go. That's where Japanese toilet butt-spray champ Toto steps in with its Travel Washlet, a porto-ass sprayer that cleans you right up without the need for wiping. This handheld unit differs a bit from the home version, though, where it does the spraying but lacks that heated blow-drying capability of its potty-bound brandmate. So there still will be some dry-up wiping necessary, we assume.
Although these washlet devices might seem bizarre to Americans, if you think about it, the concept actually makes a lot of sense. As one of our erudite commenters so aptly put it, cleaning yourself up after a poop with dry toilet paper is like spreading peanut butter around on a shag carpet. Sorry. Hope you already had breakfast."
I know what you're thinking: "...leave it to those crazy Japanese..." But I saw one of these babies with my own eyes in Whole Foods in downtown Austin just the other day.
And I want one. And that's what makes me a hypocrite.
